A local group is part of a worldwide movement gathering together to chat about one of life’s inevitabilities. The group’s motto is ‘drink tea, eat cake and talk about death.’
Homer’s first Death Cafe took place early last month after hours at Ano Kissaten, a coffee shop in downtown Homer. A group of about a dozen people met to share their views and personal experiences with death. The topics ranged from suicide, and terminal illness, to societal myths surrounding death.
Maria Kulikov was one of the participants. She wears two pairs of sunglasses, one on top of the other and a large-brimmed hat that blocks most of her face. She also wears ear plugs that help her mask noise. She has sensory sensitivities, which are the result of a near-fatal car crash that happened two years ago.
“The condition included a head injury, which has left me extremely vulnerable to both light and sound,” she said.
Since the accident, she found it hard to gather in social groups. Kulikov, who is 24 years old, said the Death Cafe was the first time in over a year that she had socialized with people, beside her family or doctors. Before attending, Kulikov anticipated that the group might be dark or morbid.
“But it wasn't like that. It was a very open discussion about how people are introduced to death, how people handle death and how people have been affected by death in ways they can never come back from,” said Kulikov.
The Death Cafe is not a bereavement group. It is part of a world-wide ‘death positivity’ movement. The objective is 'to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their finite lives'.
“The goal is that people walk away feeling light hearted,” said the group’s facilitator, Jessica Goings. “And like they are able to explore or talk about death in whatever, in whatever way it comes up for them,” she added.
To her knowledge, Homer’s Death Cafe is the only gathering of its kind in Alaska. She said that at first the group received some negative attention.
“I did find that when we posted that the Death Cafe was happening in the community, media, social media areas that we got a little backlash,” said Goings. “People tend to get a little freaked out and like we're promoting something dark or bad. And it's more about creating safe space.”
Maya Rohr attended the gathering. It was her first Death Cafe. She learned about the gathering from a flier outside of Two Sisters Bakery, where she works as a manager. She also volunteers for Hospice of Homer as an end of life doula.
“I work with people before they die,” she explained. “I'm an emotional support person. And also there's physical support too.”
Rohr said that her roles as an end of life doula can change depending on the client. Her tasks can range from assisting with bathing and eating, to end of life rituals like washing the body and preparing it for burial.
“I like to joke that it tends to be kind of a conversation killer. You know, when I bring up my hospice work at parties and stuff, a lot of times people want to change the subject. People, for the most part, would like to talk about anything else, please.”
Rohr said she was inspired by the group’s willingness to share their experiences, and their ability to sit silently and respectfully. She liked the inclusivity of the group and is looking forward to future gatherings.
“It's so we're so rarely invited to share out loud how loss makes us feel. I think that story really changes. And it changes us when we tell it out loud. And so having us a community space for that to do that, especially in person, I think is really, really transformative.”
The next Death Cafe is scheduled for Wednesday, May 18, at 6pm at Ano Kissaten Coffee Roaster. The group hopes to have more gatherings throughout the summer.
